Being

Sometimes I like to sit and let the silence soothe my soul. To be able to hear every creak of the house, the quiet hum of the computer, to stare out the window and be still. I long for these little moments that almost never come anymore. I think I could stay here forever.

When they come, I feel the crush of time. I know it is only a matter of minutes until I hear their little feet coming to find me. I feel the minutes go by in painful agony, wishing for time to slow down. For just another few quiet moments uninterrupted.

I do so love these little persons that steal my time and my silence. There were never cuter bandits in the world. They are my world.

With every breath I take, I drink in more of this wonderful silence. I want to suck it all into me until there is no more to fill. The sound of drizzly raindrops bores into me. I really think I could stay here forever.

I soak up what I can.

The stillness, the silence, the...

Being.

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On New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year. The time of year for everyone's New Year's resolution zeal to be winding down. New Year's resolutions are a weird thing for me. I'm not sure I understand the point. Is there some sort of gleeful feeling one gets from starting things on a day and a month marked with a one?

I don't understand the reason so many put so much on January 1st. One could pick any other day to "turn over a new leaf". Any other day to start exercising. Or start a diet. Or be more nice to people.

When the stats show that only 8% of people are successful at keeping their resolutions, than what is the point? Why bother to make them? Why do people choose to lock themselves into a hard as stone resolution that they are destined never to keep and to feel terrible about forever?

It's a vicious cycle. You make resolutions, start running out of steam a month in, fail completely, beat yourself up over it, and then make a whole new list up that, by golly, you are gonna work extra hard to fulfill it! On and on the cycle goes.

I understand goals. Goals are great. Goals are flexible. Goals are something you can work towards in manageable steps.

For example, when one resolves to lose weight, one usually also resolves to never eat butter or cheesecake until they have lost x amount of pounds. One resolves to go to the gym every day. With a goal, you aim to lose weight and take the manageable steps to get there. This may involve parking further away from your destination, eating 4 servings of vegetables everyday, and only eating a piece of cheesecake once a week.

The very word resolution sounds so permanent that I think it hampers more than it helps. Where is the give for the day that you come home too exhausted to hit the gym? Or you're sick for a week? I think goals are better suited for this. You can take two steps forward and one step back without it being a big deal.

I like to write out a list of goals at the beginning of the year, just to give myself some direction. Every couple months I take a look at it, mark off things that I've accomplished, and reevaluate my goals. If I didn't, I'd never accomplish anything! These are goals I am working towards, not resolutions that I will feel terrible about failing. Sometimes I get it all done and usually I don't, but I have no guilt either way.

Life is hard enough. Let's show ourselves some grace and get things done. Work towards a goal or two. And you don't even have to wait until January 1st.

I'm Back!

Life happens. And when it happens, sometimes there are things that fall by the wayside. One of them was this blog. Between not having internet, moving, and having a baby, I just let it go. The thing is, I really enjoyed it. So I'm back!

I'm not sure how often I'll be posting, but whenever I have time and the mood strikes, I will be here. I'll be sharing some things about my life, interesting quotes, stories, and deep questioning thoughts. I hope you will join me as I seek to enjoy life and know more about my Creator God that loves me so!

River Rocks Series: Five Smooth Stones

"And David strapped his sword over his armor. And he tried in vain to go, for he had not tested them. Then David said to Saul, "I cannot go with these, for I have not tested them." So David put them off.
Then he took his staff in his hand and chose five smooth stones
from the brook and put them in his shepherd's pouch. His sling was in his hand, and he approached the Philistine.
And the Philistine moved forward and came near to David, with his shield-bearer in front of him.
And when the Philistine looked and saw David, he disdained him, for he was but a youth, ruddy and handsome in appearance.
And the Philistine said to David, "Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
the Philistine said to David, "Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and to the beasts of the field."
Then David said to the Philistine, "You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.
This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel,
and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hand."
When the Philistine arose and came and drew near to meet David, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet the Philistine.
And David put his hand in his bag and took out a stone and slung it and struck the Philistine on his forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell on his face to the ground.
So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and struck the Philistine and killed him. There was no sword in the hand of David."
~1 Samuel 17:39-50

This passage was where my study of river rocks and suffering began. It is a familiar story: David and Goliath, the shepherd boy versus the giant. I had read it many times before but this time the wording in verse 40 caught my attention. David had chosen these rocks.

Webster's Dictionary defines the verb, to choose, as:
To pick out; to select; to take by way of preference from two or more things offered; to make choice of.

David was not picking up rocks at random. These would be his only weapons and, since David was a master with his sling, he knew exactly what he was looking for and what would work best. He was carefully choosing the weight, size, shape, and possibly smoothness, of these stones. David was looking for river rocks that had been perfectly prepared for this mission.

There was a process that these "smooth stones" had to go through to become perfectly prepared. A rock is made smooth by tumbling, and I will go more into that process in my future posts. Who knows how long these rocks had been tumbling about in that brook becoming exactly what David needed for that exact time?

There are many lessons in suffering and seeing our circumstances from God's perspective that we can learn from these five smooth stones, the process of tumbling, and David's own life.

Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

~Russell Kelfer

Tumbling Up

Some of you may already be aware that river rocks hold a special place in my heart. Not only are they beautiful and great to decorate with, there are so many analogies to the spiritual life that can be gleaned from them. I will be turning my study into a series of posts so that you all can enjoy them too.
I would like to explain my blog title to you because it is probably the cleverest thing I will come up with in the course of my lifetime. I you can see, I am quite proud of myself! It has a double meaning: first, for rocks to become smooth and shiny they have to be tumbled. The second meaning is a phrase I took from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. The main character, Pip, is observing children tumbling around a yard and over each other and comes to the conclusion that instead of growing up, the children are "tumbling up." So as I am maturing and growing in Christ, I am "tumbling up."
I am looking forward to my next posting! Christ is risen!